I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
