Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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