I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
