She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
