i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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