i jhust puked up my retainher.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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