i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
