Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
