currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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