You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
