I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
