I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
