Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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