I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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