tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
