please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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