if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
there was a trapeze. enough said
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
