don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's never too late to be topless.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
