I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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