12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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