She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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