In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
