I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
