A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
