I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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