We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this boner is exhausting
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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