In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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