Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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