Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
