Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
