I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
