Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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