Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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