: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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