It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
