the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im six kinds of drunk right now
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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