The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
