He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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