I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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