I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
