I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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