blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
