gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
