someone get that fucking seahorse.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
pray to the hookup gods
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
