I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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