Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
