a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
