even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
