Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
