pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My balls are so social today.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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